I think every time I try to avoid accepting a hard truth, I become less well off.
I found myself going to the gym today. I haven't gone in a while, felt lethargic and needed energy to work, and am paying $40 / month for a facility that I barely use and have a hard time cancelling. So I decided to go, just naturally. I packed my gym bag, walked over to the gym, changed in the shower room, and hopped onto a treadmill. It didn't work. I hopped onto the treadmill next to it. Didn't work either. So then I go to the treadmill near the back wall, in the last row, and it finally worked. So I started walking to warm up, then I started to run.
I notice this girl on the elliptical three rows up. To put it diplomatically, I'm inspired by how hard she works out at the gym, it really shows.
Then something funny happened. I started running faster.
Thinking brain: Feeling brain, are you running faster because you want to chase that ass?
Feeling brain: Yes, I want that ass. I want to $OMITTED
Thinking brain: (sigh)
Now, before, I probably would have told feeling brain to shut up and stop ogling people at the gym because it's not nice. Then I started really thinking. I'm not motivated to run by listening to music, music's more of a distracting thing for me. I haven't listened to podcasts in a while and haven't felt the need to. I would watch the TV programs, but the TVs are old and static-y, and a lot of times it's content that's not interesting, like 24-hour media bullshit or basketball. Even then, it's interrupted by ads. What the hell does get me onto the treadmill and start working out?
I couldn't come up with a good answer…besides chasing dat ass. Then I started thinking about the consequences of not going to the gym. It's burning a hole in my pocket, money that I could spend elsewhere, and I'm not exactly rolling in money. I don't like how I look and I think I probably could use the exercise, given how I'm working at the library or at my home office most of the time. If I don't, I'll suffer from the effects of ill health, and I'm running out of time before my body starts going downhill. Lastly, since I'm mostly working by myself and have little human contact (especially relationship-style contact), going to the gym is one of the few times in the day where I get to see other people.
So I decided today to accept this truth. I'm just a man, an evolved ape with a slightly larger brain, but one bound by basic primal instincts. I've always wished to break free of that reality, because I've felt it lessens me somehow. I've envied machines for their methodically manacial ability to stay on task. Now I realize, that might be good, and that might be bad, but it's just not possible for me to get there no matter how I try. I'm not going to get a frontal lobotomy, and I have to learn to love myself. Accepting this truth is the first step towards a better future.
I ran three miles chasing dat ass. Then I start cooling down and walking, and see the girl on the treadmill to my left staring at me.
Thinking brain: How dare I? How dare you!
Feeling brain: (noises of satisfaction)
Maybe I'll work up the courage to ask that girl out someday. Today, I'm just happy I got my workout in.