Afternoon Pages: June 10th, 2020

Due to the coronavirus pandemic, the D.C. metro region has been in a state of lockdown. To alleviate fear and stress, my writer's group has put together a daily "morning pages" get-together on Zoom in order to touch base before starting the day. Here's some of my brief thoughts.


wine glass

I sense my sabbatical wrapping up, and you know what the crazy thing is? No matter how bad this year has been for people, it hasn't been all that bad for me, personally. Maybe that just speaks to how I live my fortressed, closeted life, but I would do this whole half of the year again. I like how the pandemic forced me to save money so I can extend my sabbatical, though to be honest I think it's also a reason why finding a job will be a bit more difficult. The other crazy thing is how no matter how bad things get, it's still so much better than how I felt last year. When I think about that, it's insane how much I'm afraid of getting another job and repeating the experience of the last three years. No, the fear hasn't really subsided. I haven't released anything yet, and therefore I can't consider my BATNA shifted. Even if I had shipped something, I fully expected I would have shipped three wholly separate software products and made some of them commercially viable by now, because I knew that just shipping something isn't enough.

So yeah, that's what I'm worried about and what keeps me bedridden these days. I'm not quite sure how to change that mental state. I can patch it with Band-Aids and baling wire and chewing gum all I want, but until I change the truth, I'm still stuck where I am. I'm really disappointed my weekends and mornings have deteriorated, and that this time is slowly slipping away.

I'm heading back home in a few days, and hopefully a change of environment (plus maybe some good home-cooked food, instead of boiled cauliflower and quinoa) will efface a positive change.