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Evening Pages: October 12th, 2020

Due to the coronavirus pandemic, I've been locking myself down until I think it's safe to go out again. To alleviate fear and stress, my writer's group has put together a daily “morning pages” get-together on Zoom in order to touch base before starting the day. Here's some of my brief thoughts.


This is apparently the cutest bird in the world.

bird


So I think I'm suffering from COVID fatigue, because even though I turned down offers to hang out with both coworkers (who I haven't met in person yet) and friends in the area, I went out this weekend to get a Chipotle burrito. Yup, a burrito. Before the pandemic, I kinda saw burritos as a luxury item (because of their expense during my sabbatical and because of their rather heavenly taste). Nowadays, burritos are on this godlike pedestal to me because I haven't had one for so long. I say heavenly taste, because usually I eat some boiled eggs and tea and fruit for the day because I'm lazy and don't cook as much as I need to, and comparatively burritos are really really good.

I'm walking over to the Chipotle, and all the while I'm thinking “this is insane this is insane this is insane this is insane this is insane” because it is insane to risk your life for a burrito. Yet I can't turn back for some reason. The burrito calls to me. Like this fucking Greek siren in my head.

I go to the Chipotle. Everybody inside is wearing masks, but it's hard to social distance within the line because the ingredients aren't spaced out. I very nervously rush my order (brown rice, black beans, steak, tomatoes, cheese, guac, lettuce, skipped the corn because they were out) and paid $8 instead of $11 because I think they were rush ordering some bulk catering stuff. Then I walk quickly out the store, walk back home, toss away all the packaging and put the burrito on a plate, put the burrito in my microwave and microwave it 5 seconds (not sure if it kills COVID, but it makes me feel better), then start eating it.

It's just as good as I remember. I'm thinking about how sad life kinda is. But honestly, my life was kinda sad before the pandemic too. I think nowadays, a friend of a friend is roadtripping in Alaska (though I'm not sure how social distancing and COVID protection works if you're constantly switching Airbnbs), some startup founders are renting out a ski lodge together for the entire winter and social distancing there, and some people have moved away entirely to other countries and having fun there.

I keep reminding myself that comparison really is the thief of joy. Plenty of people have lost their entire families from this pandemic, and I respect and fear the virus enough to give it its own space (especially since I don't have health insurance during this period of time). Other people are also respecting the virus, but picking up hobbies and doing what they can in order to help out the community. I should follow that example. Or I can get another burrito, when the time comes.